What...IM black?

I often wonder why my mom decided to raise me in a place where she faced so much racism growing up... That is what I am thinking about tonight... My earliest memories are of Panama I don't remember racism there but I do remember beautiful people of all colors walking around never once did I consider ugly being based on the color of a persons skin. When we lived in Philadelphia on our return to the states I am sure racism existed but I suppose I was too young to notice and it sure was never brought onto Mrs. Marys porch. My Philly family came in all shades of beautiful just like the people in Panama so nothing seemed strange about differences in skin as a matter of fact I don't ever remember noticing.
When Mom told me we were going to be moving back to California I was excited. I knew I had a grandmother there and Aunts and Uncles and cousins something I never really experienced but sounded like total fun. It wasn't soon after I got to Greenfield California that I would know that I was different. One of my younger cousins asked me why my skin was brown and I said I don't know why is yours so white he looked confused and that was the end of our conversation. In the first grade a little girl named Tanya asked me if she could touch my skin because she thought it was neat and I said sure but make sure you wash your hands first  cus i seen you picking boogies. our differences were still innocent at this point. In the second grade is when I would begin to really feel pain both physical and emotional because of my skin color.
Greenfield California is a small farming town the population is mostly Mexican and White. When I was in the second and third grades I could count the other black children on one hand. I would soon learn what it was to HATE a place. I loved school in the third grade my teacher Mrs. Laganga would read Beverly Clarey's Ramona books and I always felt just like Ramona except I knew she was white and I was not. It was in the second grade where I was told I couldn't play tether ball because I was black I believe it was that same year one of my very own cousins would pretend not to know me after I spoke to her on the playground. I remember hearing her friend say you know that black girl and she lowered her head and said no I don't know why shes talking to me black people are ugly. That year I use to run home as fast as I could because I was scared of a boy who use to call me a Nigger and chase me home I was always small but this kid looked like his parents put steroids in his cereal he was so mean and he had so many friends I can recall many days where he and his friends would throw rocks at me all the way home that was the year I would learn to fight. I can always remember my Dad saying sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you, (he lied they do hurt) but if they touch you, whoop there fucking ass and if there bigger than you,  you pick up the closest thing and you whoop there fucking ass. One day when I got tiered of running and the big kid had fresh braces I picked up the biggest rock I could find and bust him in the mouth with it. He never threw another thing at me he didn't follow me home it didn't stop him from calling me a nigger but he never touched me again.
Racism in school was tough it really did hurt my feelings when kids who said we were friends would come back the next day and tell me that they couldn't be my friend anymore because I was black. I never understood it but it did hurt my feelings. I think even worse than racism in school for a grade school kid is racism in your own family. I remember my favorite aunt calling me Toya Murphy its funny now but I hated it then because even as an 8 year old I knew she was referring to me being black you see I didn't have a distinguished laugh like Eddie and I didn't wear leather suits either. My uncle would call me Toya Shadow... and would always sing "me and my Shadowwwwwwww walking  hand in hand" and I just knew it was not just a cute little song he was singing to me, at 8 I understood he was singing that to me because I was black like a shadow. That same cousin would pretend not to know me and even join in when kids were calling me names on the school yard. I knew my Mom loved her family very much but as a child i was starting to dislike some of them more and more. My Mom raised me to respect my elders and love my family no matter what so I grew up very conflicted about family and color.
When I was 11 years old we moved to Chicago and for a whole year I felt normal again I lived in a Latin King neighborhood but it was peaceful when it came to color I loved Latin Kings all the time I spent in California being told how different I was and here where these Mexicans Puerto Rican's Cubans blacks and whites telling me I was not only welcome but beautiful we only lived there a year and for some reason I was too young to understand we went back to California.
I hated Middle school in California just liked I hated grade school in California for all the same reasons but things got easier I knew every year I would have to  fight because I was black so I would fight the biggest meanest one of the bunch and that usually got me a cool pass. When I was in the 7th grade my science teacher took me aside and asked me if I was having any problems I think I said no but he told me he would always be there if I needed to talk I thought that was awesome even though I never talked about it. I thought it was funny that instead of teaching kids tolerance and acceptance they put me in counseling for my "Anger" and once I got to high school i was told by the principal I was just going to have to accept that i was differentand I was going to be called a nigger from time to time the same way people would make fun  of him because he was balding he was an asshole.
I think I was suppose to hate being black. I think that's what the kids I went to school with wanted. When I was 15 my mom started letting me go to Philly for the summer and something happened I was beautiful there Boys thought I was cute my family never brought up color and differences went unnoticed. You see I never really hated my skin color I always thought it was beautiful I did hate that I didn't know how to voice it I did hate that I lived in a place where the people were so dumb that they would actually try to make me hate myself. I don't know what it was but I could never hate not like myself because I was black.
When I got out of the military I lived with my own family in Greenfield for a while. One of my little cousins said to me he wasn't really my cousin and black people are from outer space I have children of my own and my oldest son has the smoothest darkest most beautiful skin I have ever seen I just couldn't do it, let him live there where people thought it was okay to tell there kids those kinds of stupid stories where, I could feel some of my own family members shame to say they were related to me. It was a cycle of pain i choose not to repeat for my own son plus hes not a lover not a fighter like his mama.
I didn't write this to hurt anyone i grew up with or my family but its my story and I wanted to share a small part of it. Now that I am a grown woman and I can effectively communicate my feelings I hope it can start a dialogue and some healing for myself.

Blame it on lupus

I can say this now because I'm not mad about it anymore..... about a week and a half ago I went to work feeling okay but then I got a bloody nose and I thought it was just the weather but minutes later my joints got stiff and my everything started hurting........oh yeah I have lupus........yeah another bloody nose.....So I call out over the radio I have a bloody nose guys Ill be out in a few.... My supervisor finally shows up and I say a few times gosh I'm not feeling well I think I should go home, however hes a little too pre occupied with going on an outing maybe he didn't hear me..... yay another bloody nose......
Over the radio he says hes called in another worker but thier leaving on an outing and I go up to him and say I DON'T FEEL WELL I NEED TO GO HOME.... to which he replied are you mad with me Latoya? the rest of the conversation goes like this :
Me: No I'm not mad I don't feel well
Him: are you upset about not going on the outing if you disagree with my call just say so
Me: No I don't feel well
Him: Latoya you don't look sick
Me: Okay
Him: well its suspicious you don't feel well all of a sudden
Me: I don't really care I don't feel well
Him: Latoya can I be honest with you, you don't look sick and I don't believe you don't feel well, you know I'm an honest worker and I feel your not being..........
Me: Dammit (name) I have Lupus and sometimes I don't look sick but I don't fell well and your really aggravating me right now
Him: Oh Latoya I didn't know would you like to go home?.....

Eff me...... Oh and be proud because what i wanted to say was...... Look you fat bastard I don't (bad word starting with F ending in ing) feel well and I'm leaving............. then I could have apologized later and blamed it on the lupus

I just feel like it shouldn't have gotten that far If I say I don't feel well and I have the sick hours to burn let me be I shouldn't have to run down my diagnosis to you...... blah

here are a few things I blame on lupus this parts just for fun kids....

Oh did I just cus at you I'm sorry I have lupus
I cant hear that b.s falling out of your mouth because I have lupus
I cant remember your name even though we have been friends 10 years plus and its because I have lupus
No that's not touretts it Lupus
that whole sentence did not make sense I'm not dumb its just lupus
No I'm not high its my meds cus I have lupus you know
please don't touch me I have lupus
No I'm not laughing at you its the lupus
I'm really not fat its just the meds from the lupus
OMG my chest hurts its not a heart attack its the lupus
No I did not faint I'm just taking a really long lupus nap.......yes i like naps in the hallway

okay so that might not be as funny to you as it is to me and lupus makes me cry so I should be able to laugh at it if I want to!!

Bah Humbug....

I'm not feeling very Christmas spirited this year. I have a bunch of presents in the garage that need wrapping we didn't get a tree this year and I didn't even send out a Christmas card this year. My two younger children said they didn't want to put up a tree if their bother wasn't going to be here and I agreed. My oldest is spending Christmas with his father in North Carolina this year which will make the second year in a row and my other kids are pretty bummed about it, as am I. I didn't think it would be such a big deal since he went last year so I said yes when his father asked me if he could go without  paying attention to my gut, and now I guess were all paying the price. 
I suppose my kids and I can make some Christmas crafts and get in the spirit today. There a others with far less and we have been blessed this year which is what I really want all of my children to understand. What are some of the things you all do when your not feeling the holiday spirit?

Sticking with your own kind and other things "American"

Is ignorance bliss or is ignorance just plain ole ignorance.... this past month I have witnessed quite a few ignorant comments and or statements I thought I should share...

If we are  facebook "friends" you may recall an incident I had at my local library. I was trying to get my little cousin ( who has come to live with me and my family)a library card. There was a nice young lady helping me when I spotted another librarian eyeing me she walked over and said to me you need your drivers licence I said that's fine then she said you also need his guardianship papers I said that's fine I dont normally carry those with me to the library and as were were walking away she says to the lady who was helping me "look at them they cant be related"......Well long story short I cussed her out.... not my most shining moment I was just super upset that she would give us such a hard time over a library card but i was even more upset that she could conclude with just one look that my cousin and I were not related when we in fact are by blood.

A few weeks ago while on a transport on of the  youth i work with was teasing a co worker of mine and said"you probably need to date a white guy" to which my co worker replied "No way I stick with my own kind". I was shocked that I worked along side someone who would say something so ignorant seemingly with out a second thought,  but my first thought was wow that's ignorant...I don't know why I didn't say something to her right then and there when her comment obviously annoyed me. I use laughter to get through things that piss me off most times and while we were enjoying the long commute back to the facility I thought to myself a comment like that coming from some one ignorant enough  to tattoo their very chola like eyebrows on wasn't that shocking.

While in a doctors office waiting on yet another one of the youth from work I overheard one side of a phone conversation . long story short they were looking for help in the office and prefered Spanish speaking no problem but the next comment kind of annoyed me because she said well as a matter of fact if they don't speak Spanish could you please not send them? My immediate thought was gosh that's gotta be against the law  but my second thought was why isn't English enough in this country. Dont get me wrong I know and believe being bilingual is a plus and a plus is good but it should not be a requirement so long as you can speak the native language.

Ignorance happens in all shapes and sizes....I wish I reacted better at the library and I wish I would have told my co worker how  ignorant her comment was and it made me uncomfortable. I think whats more important in these situations is how we react to the ignorance and remember we can use every ignorant moment we come across as a teaching experience

How would you respond?